I juz found out a fren's mum past away yesterday... it was sad news but i knew abt her mum's condition for awhile already... How do u cope wif something so painful & so drastic on life? how do u cope wif the pain & the lost? i felt such an over-whelming sadnest when i heard abt it... maybe i'm juz emotional like always...

there're so many things tat r beyond our control, u can want something but it does not always go ur way... God has His plans... i juz need to be still... but it's so hard to be still, to be faithful & trusting... i felt like somtimes a part of me juz dies & i dun even have the strength to push on, to fight, to struggle... the depressing vibe tat can be felt all ard me... it's like my eyes were painted grey & tat everything is so grey ard me... lifeless, almost meaningless...

i guess i have to come to terms tat i'm not in control of my own life... i can plan & organise but life itself is in control in its own way... God controls it & nothing comes into my life by accident... So why live? Why struggle? It's even painful to think abt it... the irony is tat we're created to lead our own lives tat we've so little control of...

i'll leave it as tat for now, need to pray more & struggle more... to see wat God is teaching me... to find the motivation to see the bigger picture...